it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
