If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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