My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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