but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
