Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
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