you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
It's no shave November. This is our time.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
