i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
