Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
