There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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