Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights