Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.