I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
