i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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