Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
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I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
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Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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