Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
either way he was missing a nipple.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
