She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
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I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
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I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.