I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.