The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
