the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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