I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
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I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
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Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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