just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
