Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
