Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
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I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
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The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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