Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
