I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
