We're like a lot better than the average bears
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
