wanna go halves on a baby?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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