just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
