It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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