Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
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Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
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Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.