I wanna passion pit in your ass
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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