I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time