eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
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Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
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DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Okay so I just had a really great idea
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart