I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
His hands were made for my vagina.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Do you remember whose house we're in?