Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.