he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
