I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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