Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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