Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
