I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
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Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
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He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.