I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck