A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
