just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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