This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
How does one acquire holy water?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
