I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
