low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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