good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
it hurts more in the daytime
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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