i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.