I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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