Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
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It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
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I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.