We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
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My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
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Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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