Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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