proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
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You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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