i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
