I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.