It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
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I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
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I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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