Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
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i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
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I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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